Only God could help me. Who prayed for me? One day I shall know. But in the economy of God’s love, it is through the prayers of others that these graces are given. It was through the prayers of someone who loved God that I was one day, to be delivered out of that hell where I was already confined without knowing it.
Thomas Merton
When I was younger, a kid, I could hear God’s voice so loudly within me, telling me who He was and how He loved me, and I stopped listening because the perfect Love I heard didn’t seem possible according to what I saw with my eyes and was told about religion.
Trust me when I tell you it’s a harrowing existence to walk toward, and linger over, the pit of darkness because you have believed what others have told you about who you are, what you need to be, and what you can do rather than trusting the One who formed you.
Maybe it was a tickle on my collar, or a flood of tears I could no longer hold back, but grace grabbed me, and little by little, step by step, I turned away from the ditch of the disowned and followed the Way toward Truth.
Abba, thank You for loving me. I am wondering how You made Yourself known to me. I remember when I was little, I could feel Your Voice within, telling me the Truth. I hardened myself to You, and I am so sorry. Thank You for never leaving, bringing me back, and tearing down the hard places. Please let Your Spirit dwell within me and lead me forever home.
Perhaps my lived experience motivates the work I do with students and young people or the imprint I hope to leave, because many of my early perceptions and assumptions were based on false truths that existed in the places I was expecting wisdom and knowledge. Punitive environments shade toward jaded, learned helplessness, whereas loving creation builds up, sends out, and empowers.
Living empowered and on purpose is sometimes rewarded by the world with insult, a harsh stare, or the feeling of not fitting in, but in those moments, if we let Love rise up, we reveal a higher glory — the world as we hope it to be and is to come.
Please allow me to offer part of my story as an example. Several years ago, I decided to uproot and re-plant my life, although this was not exactly a geographical choice. In hindsight, it may have actually been simpler if I had moved to a tent in the desert with the focused daily task of learning to cultivate seeds in dry soil. All other options eliminated; all other perceived protections blotted out as I live and breathe according to providence and divine plans.
Instead, I downsized and downshifted despite a heavy state of denial that pained my decision-making process in all matters, including where to go after selling my house. Ultimately, God used my slowness to plant me exactly where the Spirit’s heavy hand could steady mind and heart, and help me reconcile a different kind of descent into the desert.
With abundant mercy and grace, and a natural disposition and desire for recollection, contemplation, and prayer I found a walking oasis amidst society’s desert. What hindered me for so long from following the Way of Truth? Myself, of course. I credit the world as a worthy opponent in the authentic struggle against mind and soul as a means for increasing my interior capacity and solitude.
To most it is strange to disconnect from seemingly innocent frivolity or the sheer foolishness that will, in the end, darken every door. And then what happens? We are lured by guilt, goaded with gossip; we hinder ourselves by going the way of likes and conditional acceptance.
The paths we previously pursued and what we chased are important points to ponder, not merely for the self-reflection exercise but the moral and ethical imperative that emerges in the discovery.
So stand firm and follow your faith. Living freely means taking the risk, and honoring the chance, to seek the One who gave everything to come and grab you.
